I fall behind
I get ahead
"There is no 'in-between'" I said
Now I'm alive- soon I'll be dead
So time is how I shape it
In little chunks
In long cool drinks
In running hard- in time to think
Lord, slow the time it takes to blink
And help me feel- not fake it
Filling moments to the top
Bursting til they almost pop
With good and bad
With start and stop
This day is what I make it
In taking in
In soaking up
With mysteries you fill my cup
Don't let the rushing interrupt
For life is how I take it
I jotted that on the back of some scratch paper trashed on my floor board on the way to church one Sunday morning. Kaleb was driving. For whatever reason, on that day, I felt a sense of completion and subsequently a hankering for a new project. For a moment- a very brief moment, I felt "ahead" and almost bored. Who knows- maybe I'd cleaned my house the day before, finished some work projects- I have trouble remembering. But, within minutes, riding in our usual Sunday morning thinking silence, ideas and projects began to flood my mind. More things to do. So quickly I could let myself feel "behind" again. It magnified to me the fine line between behind and ahead. And could I be content on that line? Even more, could I fully absorb the moments- behind OR ahead?
Isn't that what it's about, really? Finding God and stopping to see Him and His graces where we are- at whatever pace we are? That morning, I was somewhere in between late and early, behind and ahead, and realizing the fleetingness of this life. A vapor. We are vanishing. So how do we settle in and "weigh down" moments? (to use the terminology of Ann Voskamp, author of the book One Thousand Gifts) We live them in awareness- full awareness of God and His works.
"With mysteries you fill my cup" is probably the most self-disclosing line, reflecting my daily attempt to receive from God things, events, circumstances I do not understand. To eat and drink of mysteries- to feed on what is given for the day. The children of Israel were given manna to sustain them in the wilderness. Manna- which means "What is it?" Hmmm... in order to live and thrive, they had to partake of mysteries (what is this?) every day. Voskamp also speaks of this idea- though much more eloquently, and her thoughts and words have hovered and swirled in my mind, slowly making their way to my soul. I want that! I want that contentment to partake of what is given without questioning if it is enough or just wanting something altogether different.
So can we slow down or weigh down moments in this fleeting life? I think we can by taking in the bad with the good and not skimming to the next easy thing. "In taking in, in soaking up"- treasuring moments, translating difficulties into tools for molding. Partaking of the mysteries. Taking what He gives and giving thanks. Life is how we take it.